LET THE GOLDEN AGE BEGIN

I just made matzoh crack to bring to Jacob's passover seder tonight. It's matzoh smothered in homemade toffee, melted chocolate, chopped toasted hazelnuts and fleur de sel. I have an exam at 6 and an essay due yesterday that I haven't even started. School is almost out for the year, but before it finally ends it's trying to beat me into submission. No such thing. Halfway through my 20th year of life and all it means is clarity.

Seriously, things are pretty hard. I'm not going to lie. But the more I think about it the more I realize that thinking about it is the problem. I can't overthink everything that does (or doesn't) happen to me because I'll get trapped in a state of tunnel-vision where my life feels half as good as it actually is, and I can't let that take over. Perspective, man. There is so much more to life than whining about myself or what I don't have or tricking myself into not feeling anything. I don't want to be jaded, I want to be liberated. Since when am I not a happy person?

Sometimes I wake up and it's like seeing his face for the first time, over and over again. In the sunlight his eyes are a handsome green and his skin is cream against mine. Small things. Big steps. He's so soft I can't even begin to explain the way his hips feel in my hands.

I feel like the past year or two have done a lot of damage to me. As in, I have zero mental control over the thoughts that flood my mind every minute but I need to work on this if I want to be happy. I can't spend the better moments of my life trapped in my head stressing out about my pay cheque or what I'm going to have for breakfast. Seriously, things as trivial as this can trip me up. It's no way to live.

I have a lot of work to do, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable and all I want is to get that back. Summertime. And the livin's easy.

The last time I did a poetry slam I lost, narrowly, but strangers came up to me and told me that I needed to keep going, and I will.

( WINTER )

On Christmas Eve, my journal was hacked by the Russians. All of my entries covering the past 6+ years have been deleted by the hacker. I've been frantically cruising google caches to find anything I can, but the fact is this: it's all gone. If you visited my journal during the brief period preceding its suspension, and clicked on the link in the entry that I did not write (leading to a Russian website) I suggest you kick your spyware into gear... it could mean trouble. I'm sorry. I'm back.